Lindsay Liquored Again

It's past being news now, but Lindsay Lohan has relapsed and been arrested on a DUI charge (along with possession of cocaine and driving on a suspended license). Last night, at around 1 AM she decided to try some drag racing on the mean streets of Santa Monica: actually, she was trying to chase after a car driven by the mother of Linds' former assistant (who had quit hours earlier).

Police found Linds was an eensy bit sloshed, that natty alcohol-measuring ankle bracelet thingy not quite doing its Promises job.

Of course, the police invite her back to their place for an after-hours get together, where they find the cocaine. Her mugshot isn't too bad until you realize she looks like a cross between Sharon Stone and the Calamity Jane character on HBO masterpiece "Deadwood."

Poor Linds, whatever way you look at it, it's not good to look like you've aged twenty years when you just turned 21. Youth, eh? Wasted on the young.

California with all the Fixin's

You can file this under "Only in California" or "It's all a load of boll*cks" but it's true: California hopes to make it manadatory for pets in the Wackiest State in the Union, to get snipped starting April 1, 2008. It's no April fool, if you're a kitty with a uterus or a dog with all your boy parts, watch out: someone out there wants you.

There's a bill currently making its way through the California legislature that would force pet owners to neuter their pets or face a $500 fine. The June vote in the Assembly almost didn't make it, except for the help of - wait for it - Bob Barker. And at this point, I'm reduced (in tears of laughter, because frankly, it's too hilarious not to) to quoting the San Diego Union Tribune:

The legislation cleared the Assembly without a vote to spare, and was rescued only with the help of celebrity animal-lover Bob Barker, who made calls pleading with wavering Democrats on the same night he retired from the game show “The Price is Right.”

OK, there's a serious note here (it's a million dollar problem, with 800,000 cats and dogs dropped off at shelters every year), but really, there's got to be more to "fix" in California than unneutered pets.

Those Ungovernable Bad Boys

Ooops, I slipped again. It's been a week and I've written not a drop. It wasn't for lack of trying either - I've just been distracted by hot weather, online shopping and not-a-lot going on in the world.

Anyway, today's news is that:

The Bad Boy of Two and a Half Men, Charlie Sheen, proposed to his new girlfriend of 20 minutes, Brooke Mueller, on a beach in Costa Rica with a diamond as big as the budget deficit. The rock is reportedly worth $500K, enough to buy a few therapy sessions to discover why you still aren't quite over your ex-wife.

But let's not be too jaded, at least someone's gonna try to govern the ungovernable, which is more than can be said about today's other bad boy: Pakistan.

In a document titled, "Al-Qaida better positioned to strike the West," security analysts in Washington came to the conclusion that the US is under threat of attack by groups on the Afghan-Pakistan border. On the same day the report was leaked, John Kringen, who heads the CIA's analysis directorate, testified that:

"They seem to be fairly well settled into the safe haven and the ungoverned spaces of Pakistan."

Pakistan, you bad boy. What's it gonna take to whip you into shape? Denise Richards?

Small and Smaller

Rumor has it that Christina Aguilera and Nicole Ritchie are both pregnant - not that there's anything wrong with it, of course. It's just that both ladies are the size of a third-grader and I cannot fathom how they will actually carry a baby. It's a question of physics: in the same way I wonder how Dolly Parton and other generously endowed ladies don't topple over from being top-heavy, I am perplexed about how someone who's a size 0 can find room inside for another snack, let alone a full-term baby. Is there actually any space in there?

Brown Runoff

I can't believe I've waited so long to write this, but I have, and boy, it's good.

As reported by John Solomon in the
Washington Post, Republican hopeful, Massachusetts Governor and this year's most famous Mormon, Mitt Romney, apparently is a dog lover of a different breed.

The Post quotes a profile in the Boston Globe that describes how, in 1983, Mitt took the whole family on a trip from Boston to Ontario. Having packed up the car, the Romneys find they just can't squeeze their beloved Irish setter, Seamus, inside the vehicle. No problem. There's room on the roof.

So, Seamus was installed on the roof for the 12-hour trip. But Seamus was naturally terrified at being hurled along the highway toward the Great White North, and this terror, naturally, made its way down through Seamus's digestive tract. At this point, I've got to rely on the Washington Post's understatement of events:

"When Romney's eldest son, Tagg, and his four brothers complained about the brown runoff down the back windshield, their father quietly pulled the car over, borrowed a gas station hose and sprayed down both the dog and the kennel before returning to the road."

First off, Tagg? Is that really what passes for a first name these days? Second, brown runoff? And can you imagine what other motorists thought of the spectacle? A carful of boys, a dog in its kennel strapped to the roof, and a flotsam of dog diarrhea making its way up to the border. Boy, I'm glad the Romney family didn't own a St. Bernard.

See you in Iowa!