Don't Mess with the Emanuel (or "Why the Chief of Staff is the Zohan")

So it's not news that White House Chief of Staff Rahm-bo is a man of many f***ing talents, as he himself would say. But I recently watched the Adam Sandler cinematic showcase, "(You) Don't Mess with the Zohan" and realized that Rahm is the Zohan.

Just in case you haven't seen Zohan, here's a quick synopsis: Zohan (played by Sandler) is the finest counter-terrorist Israel has: he's mean, fast, fatal, lithe and sexy. He can even grill a burger with his manparts.

But Zohan yearns to be a hairdresser. He wants to fulfill his dream of snipping locks and creating styles from the Paul Mitchell model book of the 1980s. He leaves Israel and moves to New York, where he pursues his dream, becomes a "hairdresser with benefits" and falls in love with a Palestinian girl. Needless to say, much hilarity ensues, including a memorable scene where Zohan extinguishes a three-alarm blaze using hummus and an industrial vacuum cleaner.

Now . . . on to Rahm-han. Rahm's just your average foul-mouthed, butt-kicking, proud Jew from Chicago who earned a reputation in Congress as a pit bull before becoming chair of the Dee-Triple-Cee, and finally, Chief of Staff in the Obama administration.

But like Zohan, Rahm's got a sensitive side: Rahm's a ballet dancer. A serious ballet student, he was offered a scholarship to the Joffrey's ballet school in Chicago, but turned it down to go to Sarah Lawrence.

The similarities don't end there. I don't know about grilling with his manparts, but Rahm's certainly seen the blade of a meat cutting machine. While working a high school job at Arby's, he severely cut the middle finger of his right hand, leading to part of it being amputated.

Like Zohan, Rahm has helped Israel in times of trouble. During the first Gulf War in 1991, Zohan, I mean Rahm, worked in Gallilee, fixin' trucks for the Israeli Army.

And best of all, like Zohan, the Chief of Staff is a hit with the ladies. Just type in "Rahm Emanuel is sexy" in Google and away you go - enough hits to make Adam Sandler weep.

All these similarities got me thinking about the Emanuel Brothers. Are they real, or are they from a reality show on steroids? Clearly, Rahm is the Zohan. And brother Ari is played by Jeremy Piven on Entourage. What's the other one? Ezekiel the Bioethicist? I wonder who plays him in real life?