Here's my type-n-gripe: Is nothing sacred? Nothing unworthy of a do-over? Can sleeping dogs ever lie? Can Amanda Woodward ever drive off into the sunset without looking back?
If you weren't ever a Melrose Place Classic aficionado, then perhaps you aren't perturbed by the miscreants at the CW who have tried to recreate the immortal, beloved, Melrose Place. But I was, and I am.
In the nineties, Melrose was the rightful ruler of Monday nights, full of saucy, crazy, good-looking people in SoCal doing saucy, crazy things. The craziest of all was Dr. Kimberly Shaw (Marcia Cross), who managed to survive death and insanity to plot revenge on her romantic rival Sydney Andrews (Laura Leighton), herself certifiable. Each week, a showcase of rivalry, manipulation, infidelity, rage, dishonesty and lust would roil across the screen . . . all ruled over by advertising agency queen bee Amanda Woodward (Heather Locklear), wearing skirts so short you could see through to the next commercial break.*
Melrose was the brainchild of Sir Aaron Spelling, and it took place during the heady, pre-reality TV days when actors acted and sets visibly wobbled when touched. It was shiny and exciting, full of people better looking than the ones we knew in real life.
The characters for the most part worked in aspirational occupations - fashion, advertising, photography, medicine - and lived in a place a whole lot nicer than our own. They dressed the part, and looked the part. They weren't like us.
They lived in places that looked nice - garden apartments, beachfront properties - and drove fast cars on empty highways.
Now the CW has revisited the past and I'm not quite ready to rewind. If you've ever gone back to the childhood house you grew up in, and found that the cliche is true - really, it's a lot smaller than it seemed when you were growing up - then you'll find Melrose doesn't stand the test of a remake.
Melrose was set in a pre-texting, pre-internet, pre-iPhone age. Target was barely a corner shop in Minnesota when it first aired. Only the seriously deluded would drive a fuel-efficient car, and health care reform never entered Dr. Mancini's brain.
Melrose belongs in the nineties . . . let it rule the decade in peace.
* For a fuller plot synopsis, see IMDB
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