Back at the pool again today, this time with only the senior water aerobics workout to keep me company. Those ladies sure do know how to cover up their torsos.
For those unaccustomed to water aerobics, it mainly involves bouncing up and down in the water while the instructor plays bad eighties music and leads the group. Aside from the bouncing, there's really not much more to it aside from a few arm movements and the occasional leg kick. We're not talking an Olympic sport here.
All was fine and dandy and I was keeping snippy comments to myself until time for the "dry land" portion of class. Well, let me tell you, those ladies might look trim from the clavicle up, but everything below is a little gelatinous. I backed away, determined not to look back, but a sudden burst of Bruce Springsteen and I whipped around, only to see the ladies doing sit ups with their legs straight up in the air.
I was treated to a vision of water aerobics seniors from the undercarriage side. It's a bit like the ocean floor - not something that sees the light of day and definitely not for the faint of heart. I raced off, ready to throw myself at the mercy of a Diet Coke and Nutty Buddy.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Sunday, July 11, 2010
More Itching than a Bikini Filled with Ants
After slouching off for a few months, I'm back - and in a bikini. Before you shriek in horror (well, go ahead), I should add that it's July and the pool's open. Since I'm at my watery gulag from dawn 'til chlorine clouds my contacts, I've had plenty of time to observe the teen generation and I'm here to report on my findings, gonzo style.
First, it seems that we are in the midst of a severe fabric shortage. The teen girls at the pool have been reduced to wearing triangles held together with string, so when they shimmy down the steps to the pool area, it's like watching a puppy prizefight in a handkerchief.
But the good news is that the girl teens do not need to get their swimsuits wet. Apparently, string bikinis are exclusively worn when hanging out at the snack bar, sipping bottled water, or when sunbathing on loungers, far, far from the splash of the pool.
There's an exception to this sartorial axiom: when freshly graduated senior boys show up to play water polo, teen girls hit the water, faster than a BP oil spill. I snarkily observed this phenomenon the other day - the teen bikini chicks had been prostrate on the loungers like sun-dried tomatoes for several hours with only their cell phones for shade, when the boy posse shows up, their board shorts stuffed full of testosterone.
No sooner had the board shorts jumped in the pool, than the girls suddenly realized there was a pleasant pool filled with water 30 feet away. Wow! And did that game of water polo look fun!
Naturally, lots of splashing occurred. Fun, eh? I soon noticed that the girls were clustered around one guy - the best player, perhaps? - wearing Aviators and spiking up his hair between plays. Not long after I noticed, his Lady Gaga girlfriend noticed. She idles over, installs herself on the side near the goal and emits laser beam death rays in the general area of the water polo game.
At that point, I had to leave. There was a snack bar emergency and I needed to swallow a Diet Coke and ice cream, but later, I saw Aviator boy and Lady Gaga drive off from the pool in a Much Better Car Than Mine. It was just like "Thelma and Louise."
I don't quite know what happened to the teen bikini chicks, but I'll be sure to report back. I've got many more pool days before the final curtain comes down on Fun at the Pool, Redux.
First, it seems that we are in the midst of a severe fabric shortage. The teen girls at the pool have been reduced to wearing triangles held together with string, so when they shimmy down the steps to the pool area, it's like watching a puppy prizefight in a handkerchief.
But the good news is that the girl teens do not need to get their swimsuits wet. Apparently, string bikinis are exclusively worn when hanging out at the snack bar, sipping bottled water, or when sunbathing on loungers, far, far from the splash of the pool.
There's an exception to this sartorial axiom: when freshly graduated senior boys show up to play water polo, teen girls hit the water, faster than a BP oil spill. I snarkily observed this phenomenon the other day - the teen bikini chicks had been prostrate on the loungers like sun-dried tomatoes for several hours with only their cell phones for shade, when the boy posse shows up, their board shorts stuffed full of testosterone.
No sooner had the board shorts jumped in the pool, than the girls suddenly realized there was a pleasant pool filled with water 30 feet away. Wow! And did that game of water polo look fun!
Naturally, lots of splashing occurred. Fun, eh? I soon noticed that the girls were clustered around one guy - the best player, perhaps? - wearing Aviators and spiking up his hair between plays. Not long after I noticed, his Lady Gaga girlfriend noticed. She idles over, installs herself on the side near the goal and emits laser beam death rays in the general area of the water polo game.
At that point, I had to leave. There was a snack bar emergency and I needed to swallow a Diet Coke and ice cream, but later, I saw Aviator boy and Lady Gaga drive off from the pool in a Much Better Car Than Mine. It was just like "Thelma and Louise."
I don't quite know what happened to the teen bikini chicks, but I'll be sure to report back. I've got many more pool days before the final curtain comes down on Fun at the Pool, Redux.
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