More Itching than a Bikini Filled with Ants

After slouching off for a few months, I'm back - and in a bikini. Before you shriek in horror (well, go ahead), I should add that it's July and the pool's open. Since I'm at my watery gulag from dawn 'til chlorine clouds my contacts, I've had plenty of time to observe the teen generation and I'm here to report on my findings, gonzo style.

First, it seems that we are in the midst of a severe fabric shortage. The teen girls at the pool have been reduced to wearing triangles held together with string, so when they shimmy down the steps to the pool area, it's like watching a puppy prizefight in a handkerchief.

But the good news is that the girl teens do not need to get their swimsuits wet. Apparently, string bikinis are exclusively worn when hanging out at the snack bar, sipping bottled water, or when sunbathing on loungers, far, far from the splash of the pool.

There's an exception to this sartorial axiom: when freshly graduated senior boys show up to play water polo, teen girls hit the water, faster than a BP oil spill. I snarkily observed this phenomenon the other day - the teen bikini chicks had been prostrate on the loungers like sun-dried tomatoes for several hours with only their cell phones for shade, when the boy posse shows up, their board shorts stuffed full of testosterone.

No sooner had the board shorts jumped in the pool, than the girls suddenly realized there was a pleasant pool filled with water 30 feet away. Wow! And did that game of water polo look fun!

Naturally, lots of splashing occurred. Fun, eh? I soon noticed that the girls were clustered around one guy - the best player, perhaps? - wearing Aviators and spiking up his hair between plays. Not long after I noticed, his Lady Gaga girlfriend noticed. She idles over, installs herself on the side near the goal and emits laser beam death rays in the general area of the water polo game.

At that point, I had to leave. There was a snack bar emergency and I needed to swallow a Diet Coke and ice cream, but later, I saw Aviator boy and Lady Gaga drive off from the pool in a Much Better Car Than Mine. It was just like "Thelma and Louise."

I don't quite know what happened to the teen bikini chicks, but I'll be sure to report back. I've got many more pool days before the final curtain comes down on Fun at the Pool, Redux.